All I do is work nowadays and I’m so lonely…when I have time to hang out with people they’re always busy or don’t reply and I can’t help that I don’t have service and have no free time.
I’m surprised I even have enough time to get on tumblr and write this message but I needed somewhere to vent, because I’m really sad and not just the, I cry myself to sleep sad. The type of sad the covers you in a quilt of darkness, the type of sad where you want to cry but instead you just lash out and keep to yourself, you let anger fill your insides, and you let things bottle up. I truly don’t think anyone cares about me and even if they did….it probably wouldn’t matter to me anymore. I’m mean to people who are nice to me and nice to the people who abuse me.
People keep stating I need therapy but I know what’s wrong with me . Therapy doesn’t take back years of scars and heartbreak…I’m on two different forms of anti-psychotics and all I do is work and drink, on occasion I read my books about philosophy to try and get my mind off of things. I’m just in this dark hole…but it’s a comforting dark hole because nothing can hurt me there but myself until I look up and see the sun shining at the top and feel the ache in my chest over the thought of what it would be like to put myself out there in the world again and for many years I said I would never put up walls, I would never change…and I did….but honestly it’s safer and better to live a lonely life than to deal with the disappointment that this world fills me with.
And maybe I am the crazy one, but I can’t cope with cheaters,liars,not feeling good enough, and heartbreak. I can’t cope anymore…